Road Report Archives

Mysterious India

India is a magical and enchanting country full of contrasts and surprises. If you ever have any possible chance to visit there, for the love of Shiva, don’t go! A good way to simulate the experience without getting on a plane is to go to a local Indian restaurant, then go around back and stand next to the dumpster for as long as you can stand it. The only thing that could make it more authentic is if there were 50 people, 5 cows, 2 pigs and a thieving monkey standing there with you. I no longer have to pause and think whenever someone asks me which is the dirtiest and most disgusting country I have ever visited, Thank you India.

The amazing thing is I had a really good time when I wasn’t pulling my hair out in frustration. I started out in Mumbai (AKA Bollywood) for a few days and then I headed south to the state of Goa, which is famous for its beautiful beaches. Goa was fairly empty, but quite nice. It was a Portuguese colony only about 50 years ago so there are photos of Jesus all over the place and beef is on most menus. I then tried to buy a ticket for a 36-hour train journey to Pushkar in the northeast state of Rajastan, but the corruption and bureaucracy of the government-run railroad made it almost impossible so I flew to Delhi then took a train from there to Pushkar. I then went back to Delhi and took a day trip to Agra to see the Taj Mahal.

The British left India about 50 years ago and it looks like they took all the maintenance people with them. With the exceptions of the Taj Mahal and the few 5-star hotels, every single thing in India is dirty and falling apart. I got a case of the unavoidable “Delhi Belly” almost right away, but amazingly that is the worst that happened as far as I can tell. I was a big fan of Indian food before I arrived and I still am. I kind of “hit the wall” with it just before I left, but overall I was very impressed by the cuisine.

The cows-in-the-middle-of-the-street thing in India is a little like the siesta in Spain. Until you experience it you don’t realize how idiotic it actually is. I’ve heard people say that you might be driving along and you’ll see cows just standing in the road, but in reality cows are on almost every street where food might be available. I stayed in a hotel overlooking a street vegetable market in Delhi and there were literally dozens of cows just standing around. In small towns they are all along the main street. As a result, large sections of the cities smell like a barnyard. I am convinced that if the Hindu religion had a pope or someone in charge he would have said long ago, “You know what, this ‘sacred cow’ thing just isn’t working. Fire up the grill and pass me the A-1 sauce.” I think anyone who thinks we shouldn’t eat cows has never spent much time with them.

The main reason I wanted to visit India in the first place is I thought it would be neat to be in a place that had a half hour time difference from the rest of the world. For example, when it’s 4:20 p.m. in India it’s 5:50 a.m. in New York and 2:50 a.m. in Los Angeles. That was fun for a while, but the novelty wore off faster than I expected (about a week).

The country is a disaster, but once again, I found it fascinating. I could have left after a few days, but I spent almost two weeks there. I guess it was easier to take since I knew that, unlike the locals, I could eventually leave. I finally realized it was time to go when I no longer had the will to swat the flies off my own face since I knew they would just fly right back.

I am now in Bangkok and getting ready to wind the trip up in Australia, more than likely.