Road Report Archives

Bless You, Peru

Latin America — The land where English is as useless as Latin and my last name is a two-syllable word.

This trip began on Christmas Eve and, as everyone knows, one of the saddest and most devastating global news events of our time has taken place while I’ve been traveling. I wasn’t sure I should carry on, but after much soul searching and grieving I finally came to grips with the fact that I was helpless. No matter where in the world I was, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston would still be breaking up . . . and the world is left to weep.

I had a very nice time in Costa Rica, but I was also happy to be going to South America. Suddenly I was in the Southern Hemisphere where winter is summer and hamburgers eat people. Touching down in Lima was a strange sensation after two weeks in Central America. Lima has an organized network of roadways, most of which are paved and many also have more than one lane in each direction. (The highway system in Central America is more confusing than the lyrics to “Jump” by Van Halen.)

Actually everything is bigger in Lima. It’s a very pleasant city with a very large middle class and also a sizable upper-middle class. I stayed 3 nights in the upscale suburb of Miraflores, but I was able to tour all the notable highlights of the city from there. My hotel was around the corner from a pedestrian street nicknamed Calle de la Pizza, but most places also serve the fabulous Ceviche the area is known for. Overall the food is as delicious as it is cheap in Peru.

I then flew to Cusco, Peru, which is at 11,000 feet elevation on the edge of the Andes. Coca leaf tea and coca leaves to chew on are everywhere to help people deal with the altitude, but neither has any narcotic benefit, sadly. Cusco is a stunning colonial city and supposedly the gringo capital of South America, but I still found English speakers to be as rare as a non-violent or sober Irishman on St. Patties Day.

The main reason for going to Cusco is it’s the staging ground for the multi-day hike or train journey to Machu Picchu. The train ride is 70 miles, but takes 4.5 hours. Now, my comedy instincts are normally very reliable and I was absolutely certain that if I said “Gezundheit!” every time someone uttered the words “Machu Picchu” it would be pure comedy gold. After the long train journey I was ready for my payoff, but it went over about as well as John Kerry at a Swift Boat Veterans For Truth rally. I wasn’t sure my English-speaking tour group understood it at first, but after about the 10th time the looks I was getting were as cold as the careers of the original cast of The Facts Of Life.

Machu Picchu, the lost city of The Incas was magnificent, blah blah blah, whatever. I was inconsolable. Is it possible that people who travel to South America have a less sophisticated sense of humor than I had given them credit for? It was a long train ride back to Cusco that evening.

I then flew back to Lima and then to Buenos Aires where I still am. They tell me I’ve triggered a small-scale beef shortage here, but I think they are all joking with me.