Road Report Archives

Rio 2005

Tall and tan and young and chunky, the girl from Ipanema has joined the global obesity epidemic. I had read that Brazil is quickly catching up to the U.S. in that department, but it was still shocking to see after coming from beef, cheese, and tango-obsessed Buenos Aires where everyone is thin and good looking. However, there are a few extremely pretty cinnamon girls there mixed in with the herd. Also it’s the first place I’ve seen black people in South America. Many of us Americans have body shame issues and I’m still not sure that is a bad thing. That doesn’t exist in Rio and the result is an almost non-stop parade of blobs bulging out of their skimpy bathing suits in places God never intended humans to bulge.

Another Carnaval is in the books. I was mainly hoping to ride the rides, but I never found them. I spent the majority of my time wandering up and down Ipanema and Copacabana beaches passing innumerable souvenir vendors. Occasionally I would stop at one of the wonderful plastic-chair beach bars spaced out exactly every 100 meters and sit down for a 90-cent can of ice-cold beer or a 80-cent giant green coconut carved before my eyes brimming with sweet and refreshing coconut water. Suddenly a different group of souvenir vendors begin passing you at the exact same rate you passed the stationary ones. One popular souvenir here is an official-sized novelty Brazilian license plate that says RIO 2005 on it. I kept telling the vendors that I don’t even own a car, but that did nothing to dampen the sales pitch.

Brazil is famous for two different kinds of music. One is Bossa Nova, which is the kind I like, and is slow and jazzy and sounds like, well, The Girl From Ipanema. The other is Samba, which is the kind that Carnaval is based on, and sounds like an over-anxious junior high school drum corps accompanied by an out-of-tune ukulele with one or two people warbling a slight variation of “Roll Out The Barrel” in Portuguese over the top of it through an unbelievably distorted sound system. At least that’s what the popular neighborhood version called a Bloco sounds like as it rolls along on big trucks while people dance and spray Christmas tree flocking foam at each other behind it. The main professional festivities of Carnaval are held within an enclosed 45,000-seat stadium downtown called the Sambódromo where decent seats start at $100 and go way up from there. Most Brazilians only see it on television.

The people of Rio de Janeiro are friendly, at least the ones who aren’t robbing you. I had received more warnings about personal safety there than every other place I have ever been so far combined. I saw an American guy I met in a tourist office back in the same office two days later telling me he was mugged on the beach. Five guys who appeared to be jogging approached him and one pushed him down then they took all his money and his passport. I shared a cab with an English couple going up Corcovado who were similarly mugged on their first evening there while on the beach. I met another guy who had safely been to over 30 countries and was mugged 3 times within five days in Rio. One sad thing is an official tourist brochure even gives casino-style advice on going out: Only take with you what you are prepared to lose. I was especially paranoid my first few days there because my guide book also says “Don’t go anywhere alone”, but by then the streets were all so jammed for Carnaval that I was never really alone.

To me, Rio de Janeiro was one of those places, like Paris, with so much hype that you want to try to find a way to not like it, but just like Paris, it’s impossible. Residents claim God built the world in 6 days and devoted the 7th to Rio alone (the 8th day must have been spent showing the thugs how to rob tourists). Petty crime aside, it is the most breathtaking setting for a city I have ever seen. On this trip up to now I have visited many beaches, but none that even came close to the ones near where I grew up, but the beaches in Rio are amazing. Copacabana and Ipanema are just two of the many there with wide, clean sand beaches in natural coves decorated by mini-mountains on each corner and actual surfable waves of blue water.

I flew to Lisbon a couple days ago defying the odds and leaving with the possessions with which I arrived. By the way, a local friend I made there insists the prettiest local girls don’t stick around for Carnaval so maybe there is hope for The Girl From Ipanema after all. Don’t forget to check my Frank Lloyd Wright-designed website for photos and self-indulgent ramblings.